loss

I was very stingy with my prayers as a child. I worried that if I used them for trivial things, I wouldn't have any left for the important stuff. One night when I was 9 years old I decided not to pray for my cousin Phillip. I was visiting my grandparent’s in NJ. My mom and I had stayed up late watching Gone with the Wind, for the first and only time. I vividly remember lying in bed thinking that Phillip had enough people praying for him and I was saving that prayer for something more important. The next morning at breakfast the phone rang. Philip had lost his battle to Leukemia. He was only 7 years old. I honestly thought I was responsible for his death. It was such an odd feeling. I was actually arrogant enough to think that my prayers were enough to keep someone alive. For many years I felt tremendously guilty.

Isn’t it funny how a child’s mind works? I didn’t really know Phillip since he spent most of his young life in Germany but I did meet him on several occasions. The only other loss I experienced as a child happened in kindergarten. A little boy in my class named Josh was run over by a truck. He was walking down the street and the truck backed out of a driveway and killed him. I don’t know if I actually remember him or if I even knew who he was but I do remember his funeral. Our class sat in the first pew. I remember being worried that his mother wanted to sit in the front row. I didn’t want her to yell at us. I remember the burning smell and watching the smoke rise all the way to the top of the huge ceilings.

I didn’t experience another loss until 2001. My grandfather, Pops, died on Sept.23rd. Then my grandmother, Nana, was in a horrible car accident the following August and passed away from complications from it 9 months later. My father’s parent’s died within three weeks of each other in March/April of 05.

My children have been to many funerals. Yet, I don’t know if they really understand the finality of it all. Last October a beautiful little girl in Megan’s 1st grade class passed away unexpectedly. I saw her mother for the first time since the funeral today. She didn’t see me, not that she’d even know who I was. I made no effort to approach her. What would I say? My heart breaks just thinking about her. How does one go on after losing a child? I hope to God I will never find out.

I’ll never forget what her father said at the funeral. “Hold your babies tight, don’t let anything interrupt you from spending every single moment with them. I will never forgive myself for the many times I told her to ‘hold on, I’m busy’ or ‘wait until after this show’s over’ I’d do anything to get just 30 more minutes with my Lil Bug. Make every single moment count.” I do get distracted and push the kids away far too often. Life has a way of making the unimportant seem far more significant. Sigh Tomorrow there will be lots of extra snuggles.