Diary

My MIL died on July 4, 2005, five days before her 47th birthday from small cell lung cancer. It wasn’t a surprise as her older sister and father also passed away from lung cancer. She continued to smoke for eight years after her sister’s death (at the age of 40). What a waste.

We didn’t have a good relationship but I did love her dearly. Yesterday I found her diary. I had forgotten that it was sent to us by her brother after she passed. Dh put it on the bookshelf and there it sat for 2+ years unread, until yesterday. I spent a good part of the day reading it all the way through as though it was a riveting novel. Only I knew all the characters intimately. It was filled with so much raw emotion it was almost too hard to read at times. I do feel that I may have violated her privacy on some level but I couldn’t help myself.

I knew she had a sad life but I had no idea it was this bad. Her abusive lover tormented her until the day she passed. She died feeling rejected, alone and worthless. It breaks my heart.

We didn’t know how sick she was until it was too late. Everything was always a secret. I would have loved to move her up here in her last few months. She could have lived with us and died peacefully surrounded by her children and grandchildren instead of alone in Arizona. If only we had known.