the unexpected

A year ago today was the last day of my last pregnancy. I was a huge, uncomfortable, hormonal mess. I wasn't particularly looking forward to having a baby. I already did all of that. I dreaded the impending sleepless nights, hormone explosions, the pain of nursing, the recovery. I wasn't excited. I just wanted it to be over. I've never been one to love being pregnant but this time it was even worse. The pregnancy itself was horrible. I was extremely ill for the first fourteen weeks and ended up losing a tremendous amount of weight. I was nauseous and tired the entire 10 months. I resented everything about it. I had no connection to the baby. I tried to put on a happy face. I tried to get excited when we purchased new baby stuff and discussed baby names. Inside I was empty. I had no bond to this being living within me. I didn’t want a baby and I most certainly didn’t want a baby boy.

The nurse was even taken aback as I answered her pre-admit questions.
"What have you decided about pain relief?" She gingerly asked.
"Epidural. Can we start it now?"
"I assume you would like the baby to room-in with you?"
"Uhh yeah, except at night and You'll take him if he screams a lot right?"
A look of horror came across her face "Okay Mrs. xxxxx...ummm....that sounds like a plan"



Then he was born.

I was completely blindsided to the love that swept over me. I was so madly in love with the little guy. I couldn't get enough of his baby goodness. I felt intoxicated from his sweet baby smell. I couldn't put him down. I couldn't stop kissing him from head to toe, touching his sweet little head, staring at his beautiful face, loving him. We shared a night alone in the hospital. Neither of us slept a wink but I didn’t care. I was glowing in the after birth euphoria. I was floating on air. I felt a love for this little guy that I never experienced with my other children. It was wonderful but odd in a way. I think it was different from the others because they were planned. I loved the idea of them before conception. shrug

I spent the next few weeks soaking up his newborn goodness. I was overcome with guilt. How could I not have wanted this little guy? How could I have such awful feelings toward him before I even saw him? Why did I let my fears get in the way of enjoying ever moment we shared as one? I will never get those moments back but I thank God every day for blessing me with my John Michael. I can’t imagine a moment without him.

Johnny,
I wish I could go back and live this one day over again. I wish I could take a long walk and talk with you, inside my belly. I wish I could feel you kicking inside me and smile. I wish for so much but mostly I’m just glad you are here. Tomorrow we will celebrate your life on your first birthday. I love you so much I can’t hardly stand it.
-Mama