I'm currently in my Peds rotation in nursing school. I’ve spent most of my rotation in the pediatric intensive care unit of the Children’s Hospital. Last night my friend, Anne, asked which department was more emotionally difficult to work in, the NICU* or the PICU.
Without any hesitation I replied the PICU. It absolutely breaks my heart every single day to see these kids so very broken.
As mother's-to-be we fill our thought with dreams. We wonder what features the little one will have. We envision them in the little outfits and baby equipment. We imagine them riding in the carseats and strollers. We picture long walks and poignant late night talks.
Then the baby’s born and the dream rarely matches the reality. The real thing is so, unexpected. So perfect and amazing that our dreams couldn’t possibly compare.
The parent’s of the NICU babies are still dreaming. They haven’t yet experienced the heart melting first smiles, the wet sloppy kisses with chunky hands wrapped around their necks, the unsolicited “I love you”s, the first wobble steps, the pride oozing out of the eyes of their two year old making a finger paint masterpiece, the goodbye hugs, kisses and tears on the first day of kindergarten. They are dreaming. They are hopeful yet cautiously optimistic. Their love isn’t any less powerful and all encompassing but it’s different.
The PICU is tragically heartbreaking. Those parents know what they are missing. Looking into the eyes of those who have lived the dream and then lost it is unbearable. Parents fill the rooms with pictures, before pictures. Pictures filled with personality, birthday celebrations, milestones, vacations. Some even tape up school papers.
These children, for the most part, were perfect. Terrible accidents changed their lives completely in a blink of the eye. Looking at an unresponsive kindergartner in a diaper drooling is impossible. Knowing that his parent was only three feet away when an SUV lost control and hit him makes me hurt deep inside. Seeing a four year old child on a ventilator because he climbed onto a dresser and fell out a 2nd story window is heart wrenching. The stories go on and on. Good parents with “normal” kids. How do these parents move forward? How are they so strong? I can barely keep it together for my 10 hour shift. How can they do this for the rest of their lives?
I’m not that strong. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain.
*I did my NICU rotation in a level two facility. We only had the “feeders and growers” not the super sick ones. That may prejudice my opinion.
May 2, 2008
When the dream dies.
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2 comments:
*tears*
That is an excellent description of the two (PICU/NICU) and how diffent the parents see things, and of how different the patients lives are.
A friend of ours was a PICU nurse for over 10 years. Then, when she had nieces and nephews of her own, she just couldn't do it anymore because she said she began to see the patients at children, and not as simply patients.
Hugs
Oh Kristen, I absolutely know what you are feeling. It broke my heart when I spent 4 rotations in the PICU and saw the painful and difficult recovery that these littlest patients go thru. And 99% of them didn't understand what was going on. It was a life changing experience every single day.
I think you would be an awesome PICU nurse, you have the empathy that these parents and children need in their time of crisis. You would care for them with your entire being, and not just as another injured or sick child in the bed. You would give them the hope to carry them thru during their darkest hours & days.
I can't wait to see where your career takes you. I know you'll be awesome in whatever unit you work in!
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