Motherhood

When I first became a mom, almost 11 years ago, a hormonal daze swept me up and turned me into a strange creature. I was completely convinced that my baby needed me by his side at every moment. It made me sick to my stomach to leave him for even 15 minutes. I even took him into the bathroom while I showered. Motherhood was so different than I had imagined. I guess in my mind I pictured the baby as a sort of accessory that enhanced my being.

For months I envisioned this little baby accompanying me as I continued my life. The little blue outfits, the car seat, the crib bedding was too fun to pick out. Each new item added to the dream.

Reality was much different. When I held him in my arms for the first time my world changed. My old existence disappeared. This little tiny baby was my new life. His every squeak, cry or stretch was a new adventure. It shocked the hell out of me. I no longer cared about so many things. Everything that didn't involve him was nonexistent in my mind.

One evening when he was about three months old my grandparents invited us to dinner. For whatever reason, probably work, dh couldn't make it. Joey was happily lying on a blanket in the living room when we were called to dinner. I was seated in the back of the table against the wall in the corner. My large grandfather was at one end, my cousin sat next to me with my tiny, frail grandmother at the other end. My father and aunt sat across from me. About ten minutes into dinner Joey started to fuss. My grandparents made a small joke and said something like "enjoy your dinner while it's warm, he'll be okay." But then he started to cry. I began to sweat. They continued, "He doesn't bother us at all." "We've eaten many meals with a screaming baby, don't worry about it." and so on. I felt horrible. I couldn't swallow my food. Tears were filling my eyes. My baby needed me. I felt trapped. I knew it would just take a second to calm him down. He just needed his paci and a stroke on his cheek but I didn't get up. I was too embarrassed to make a fuss, to have everyone get up and let me out of the corner. I let him scream for what seemed like an eternity. It was sickening.

When dinner was over, I literally ran to him scooped him up and began sobbing. I felt like the worst mother in the world. It took me months to get over it. I refused to go to my grandparent's house for a long time. I was so angry at them. Looking back I know that it was me that I was truly upset with. It was my own guilt.

Four babies later I think I've relaxed a bit. I'm not sure I would've felt the same pressure and remorse. I know now that it doesn't traumatise babies to cry for a bit. If I happen to be stuck in traffic or whatever, they will be okay. They won't be damaged for life or feel abandoned by their mother.

My life still revolves around them. I'm pretty sure that's not the most healthy way to live but it feels right. They are only little once, I don't want to blow it.